Bacon Wrapped Twinkies: The Rebellion Against Nutrition Snobs

            Sometimes I feel like grocery shopping carts ought to be solid black boxes with lids so shopping can be a judgment free zone. My Cheetos can rest beside my can of Manwich without fear of reproving looks. Like from that woman in yoga pants who raises her eyebrow as I start unloading my cart, putting my 5-pack of Kraft macaroni and cheese behind her 6-pack of Vitamin Water. I reach for my produce – yes, I buy produce, too! – but she trumps me again. Her package of fresh raspberries is organic. When I did the math, it came out to be about 87 cents per berry, so I bought apples. I start rooting around in my cart for the “good” foods that I bought. Look, I got the Skippy Natural peanut butter with no hydrogenated oils. I got the block of cheddar, not the Velveeta. I got the local Farmer’s Cow eggs. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t hide the big guns left in my cart: two bottles of Cherry Coke Zero. I put the first one on the conveyor belt, where its 2 liters of caramel colored liquid aspartame tower over her faux vitamin packed beverages. As the cashier begins to ring up her purchase, the bottle falls over onto her side of the plastic divider. We both grab for it at the same time, but as we put it back on my side, I see a wistful look that I didn’t see the first time. I almost feel sorry for the deprived yoga lady. Should I throw my Cheetos in her cart as a parting benefaction? Nah, the self-tanned, teeth whitened, nail polished, Botox injected, hair highlighted woman would never do something as unhealthy as eat some Cheetos.

            Perhaps this is why Peapod, the food delivery service, stays in business. With one click of a computer mouse you’re able to get two weeks’ worth of pudding cups anonymously. Head down and hoodie up, you hand over your cash to the driver, grab the plain paper bags, and hustle into your house. Because eating normal foods nowadays feels almost criminal, doesn’t it? You have to prove its nutritional value or eliminate it from your life.

            Eat nothing white. Eat nothing from any breathing source. Eat nothing that begins with the letter P. Eat nothing that might taste remotely like you’d want to eat it. If people have to forego certain foods for medical reasons (like gluten), you shouldn’t eat that food either. These are the rules to maintain your nutritional hubris.

            If you’re craving sugar, firstly, do not admit it. Just be sure to go to a cool café and pay an inordinate amount for a cold beverage with a healthy name and something “green” in it. It doesn’t lessen the 21 grams of sugar it has, but by God at least you’re not eating a cookie!

            If you get a coffee drink, by all means, do not have it with cow’s milk. Anything but cow’s milk. Don’t you remember that cow milk plague that wiped out thousands of people in the early 19^th century? No? Me, neither. Some of the same people who refuse to vaccinate their children against (real) deadly diseases like the mumps and whooping cough want to tell us how bad cow’s milk is for us. La la la la. (That’s me with my fingers in my ears not listening.)

           It’s not so much a matter of health as it is dietary superiority. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re doing fine by eating your vegetables. You should be drinking them. If you’re not juicing, you might as well be eating ice cream three times a day. (Hey, there’s a thought!) Vegetarians touted their diets as better, but when everyone started doing it, they had to up the ante. I see your meatless meals and I raise you sans animal byproducts. Thus, vegans were created. Their way of eating is compassionate, whereas ours is SAD (Standard American Diet). They won’t even eat honey because bees make it. Those poor bees! If only they had unionized and weren’t forced to produce honey for us greedy honey eaters they could go on to be bees that…um, what would they be doing? Oh, yeah, making honey.       

            I think the push to eliminate “bad” foods is just turning grown people into teenagers and making them rebellious. They’re flocking to the likes of The Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas to order stuff like the Double Bypass burger. Burger King is offering burgers with French fries in them, just to be sure you’re getting something fried. If people are constantly told what they can’t eat, they’re going to show you what they can.

            Take Thanksgiving for instance. The week before the holiday, we’re inundated with how not to eat what you want to eat on the one day you should be allowed to eat it. People used to be happy with their roasted turkeys, but the more they tell people to eat celery sticks before sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner, the more people go out and buy deep fat fryers for their turkey.

            The one place that food elimination snobs haven’t touched is the fair. It’s one of the last places people can eat freely without someone telling you what you ought to be eating instead. (Unless it’s, “You ought to be eating that cheesesteak gyro turkey leg kebab.”) Knock wood, I have yet to see a bad Today Show segment on how to eat healthy at the fair. Even the media still seems to revel in fair foods. Where else can you get bacon-wrapped butter stuck in a Twinkie deep-fried covered in chocolate and sprinkled with powdered sugar? More importantly, where else can you eat one in plain sight?

            I’d love for the vegans and the fast foodies to meet in the middle: Balanced eating, no guilt, an occasional indulgence. And no judgment. We should do like my mother always said as the six of us squabbling kids sat down to the dinner table. Just shut up and eat.