Valentine’s
Day. It’s a great holiday for, say, second graders who get to pass out mini
Valentines to their classmates and eat pink iced heart-shaped cookies. But for us adults,
it’s like having an arranged marriage every February 14th, forced to
profess our love in some public display for all to judge. Private unexpected
gestures of affection become insignificant when there’s a specified day marked
on the calendar obligating us to prove we’re in love.
You may
have to search the corners of the world, but there are some places that don’t
celebrate Valentine’s Day. I have friends who are temporarily living in Reykjavik.
[To visit their blog go to http://experiencingiceland.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/if-stephen-hawking-order-a-hot-dog-in-iceland/.] Through them I have learned that Iceland is one of those places. Instead, they
have two separate days: Husband Day and Wife Day.
This is
genius.
I love this
idea because, let’s face it -- people who aren’t married don’t need a special
“love” day. Unattached people don’t want to be reminded that they’re not in
love, and dating couples constantly like to remind us that they are. They’re
not the ones who need a special day set aside to get the kids out of the house so we can
have sex as loud as we want to. It’s the husbands and wives who need a
special day.
Besides
that, married couples shouldn’t have to compete with the daters on Valentine’s
Day. Valentine’s Day for daters is completely different than for married
couples. Boyfriends want to impress their girlfriends and can do this easily with
all the clichéd traditions. Buying an overpriced dinner at an overcrowded
restaurant? Impressed. Buying a stuffed bear holding a heart? Impressed. Giving
her roses and candy? Impressed. If the girlfriend is under 30 years
old, then she may be sincerely impressed. (All it took for my husband on our
first Valentine’s Day was an assortment of chocolates in a shiny red box. I was 23.) If
she’s over 30, she’s just thrilled to have a date on Valentine’s Day and will
gladly pretend to be impressed. Either way, it’s a win/win for the boyfriends
out there.
Wives, on
the other hand, are not as easily impressed with such tired, traditional
gestures. We’ve been through many, many more Valentine’s Days than girlfriends
have. A bear and boxed candy from CVS will not cut it. A bouquet of red roses
means he doesn’t know my favorite flower. Once you’re married and your money is
pooled, it’s a different ball game. The minutes ticking by as we wait for a
table at the crowded restaurant are clocked in dollar signs that we’re paying
the sitter. Early on when I was dating my husband, he surprised me with a Valentine
of a 24k gold herringbone necklace and matching bracelet. Nowadays if he gave
me that for Valentine’s Day, all I’d be able to think is, I’m wearing a gold mortgage payment around my neck.
Let’s be
honest. Husbands are the ones with all the pressure on Valentine’s Day. They
gotta’ get it right that one day or possibly feel the repercussions for weeks. Wives just have to show up in lingerie after
the kids are in bed and we’ve done our part. But most husbands don’t want to do
any of that Bachelor romance. The
only reason they might is to keep up with the daters who are sending their girlfriends Valentine's flowers at work. But on Husband Day, wives
can spoil their husbands without worrying about getting cheated out of their
own day in the process. Chicken wings at his favorite sports bar? Impressed.
Pretending you don’t want to shoot the TV when he turns on yet another episode
of Pawn Stars? Impressed. And then
add the lingerie.
Wife Day
sounds more appealing to me, too. Being married means we’re passed the dating
stage, thank goodness. I would rather celebrate the benefits of being a wife
than have to re-live what dating women go through on Valentine’s Day. Forget picking
at my candlelight dinner. He can buy me a giant burrito, because guess what? I’m
his wife and I don’t have to pretend I don’t eat. We can come home and I can put
on fuzzy blue pajamas and he still
wants to give me a back rub (among other things) because guess what? I’m his
wife and it’s too damn cold in February for lingerie. Embracing me for who I
really am and perhaps doing the grocery shopping for once? Happy Wife Day.
That’s not
to say romance is dead once you get married. We happily married couples have
our moments. We also know that true love isn’t dictated by Hallmark. A deeper,
lasting love is shown in small ways every day. My husband puts gas in my car so
I don’t have to. He leaves me love notes to find when he travels on business.
He cleans the shower because he knows I hate to. He’ll even sit through an
episode of The Real Housewives with me. Come on, that’s true love. I would hope
he can list similarly thoughtful things I do for him on a regular basis.
So maybe
we’ll eventually adopt Iceland’s tradition of Husband Day and Wife Day and get
ourselves off the Valentine’s hook. In the meantime, I’m sure he’ll bring me
daisies (my favorite flower) and buy me a card, because American society tells
him to. And even though I tell him he doesn’t have to buy me anything, he
doesn’t dare listen to me. But I hope he knows he doesn’t have to impress me
once a year anymore like he so easily did that first Valentine’s Day. He impresses
me every day as a husband, a father, and a provider. I am impressed by his
loyalty and his constant support of my aspirations.
Perhaps I
sensed those were the promises held in that simple box of chocolates he
impressed me with over twenty years ago.
