Is It Too Late to Be a Brady?

 

            I just read an article http://www.tvguide.com/News/Brady-Bunch-Reunion-Kings-Island-1065862.aspx that three of the Brady kids  - Greg, Peter, and Cindy – recently returned to King’s Island Amusement Park for a reunion. Remember that episode? All the Brady's got to go along – even Alice! – on Mike’s all-expense paid business trip to an amusement park so he could try to sell them his architectural plans. And of course Jan almost ruined everything - as Jan always did - by mixing up her Yogi Bear poster with her dad’s sketches and then losing them. It was a classic, as they all were.

             If you don’t remember that episode, and every other gloriously corny episode from the Brady Bunch series, you can probably stop reading right now. But if you grew up with the Brady’s as I did, then you’ll understand the nostalgia the reunion brings. 

            Let's face it, we all wanted to be a Brady. Even though we were all living in the 1970’s at the same time, the Brady version of the 70’s was so much cooler. Their bell bottoms seemed wider, their lingo seemed hipper, and their house had TWO sliding glass doors! And what about that baby blue Plymouth convertible they had? Right on, man!

            The Brady’s had a lot in common with my family. The Brady family had six kids. We had six kids. The Brady mom drove a wood paneled station wagon. My mom drove a wood paneled station wagon. The Brady’s had a dog (until that darn Jan was allergic to it and almost ruined everything AGAIN). We had a dog. The Brady’s had a live-in housekeeper. Ok, that’s where the similarities end, but it was enough of a connection for me to think becoming a Brady wasn’t too much of a leap.

            It wasn’t like I was totally delusional; I didn’t think I could be any of the three Brady girls, I just wanted to be part of the Brady household. The only problem I saw was that it would upset the 3x3 grid during the opening song. Even at a tender age, I knew ten squares wouldn’t work. The craning of their necks was bad enough as it was. I planned to solve that dilemma by offering up a trade. Jan was never good at anything and she did ruin that anniversary portrait when she rammed her bike into it while not wearing her glasses. With a little coaxing, surely they would agree to swap Jan out for me. Goodness knows she’d be glad to get away from Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! After all, Marcia got to kiss Davy Jones and Desi Arnaz, Jr. The closest Jan got was George Glass, her pretend boyfriend.

            Assuming I could take Jan's place, I always thought Peter would be a hoot to have for a brother, with his goofy demeanor and his love for messy volcanoes. I would even put up with Bobby. But I had more than brotherly thoughts about Greg. You have to admit, he was kind of dreamy. I think I first realized I had a crush on him when it made me giddy that his Drive-In date ended up with a frog on her head.

            So maybe having Greg for a brother might've been complicated, but having Mr. Brady for a dad would’ve been pretty awesome. He was so level-headed and fair, with his advice handed out with a sincere pointing of the thumb, “You know, Bob…” he’d say when telling Bobby why he was as good as his brothers. This aptly demonstrated what a great dad he really was, because – let’s face it - Bobby wasn’t nearly as good as his brothers. I truly think President Bill Clinton picked up the sincere thumb point from Mike Brady.

            Mrs. Brady was nothing like my mother, probably because my mother didn’t have an Alice. When my mom was in the kitchen, she was actually cooking for her husband and brood of six. Carol Brady would sometimes hang out in the kitchen with Alice when Mike was due home, to feign helping with dinner or baking cookies, but that seemed the extent of it. I loved the episode when Carol told Alice that she shouldn’t be doing all the cleaning up after the kids, as she herself was performing the arduous task of deciding on a party costume. Subsequently, Carol’s earrings went missing (accidentally thrown in the laundry) and got ruined, which I think was housekeeping karma giving Carol a kick in the ass. But how else was she going to keep her bangs just so and wear those outta’ sight pantsuits, even to the amusement park.

            Even though we all knew the show needed to end when they jumped the shark and added (an undeserving) Oliver to their clan, I was still never ready to give up being a member of the Brady family. So reading about their reunion without me is bittersweet. Let’s get past the fact that it’s been (gulp) 40 years. And that the Brady kids are no longer kids. At least the current Greg still knows how to sport a groovy shirt. 

Cindy, Peter, & Greg at King's Island, 2013

            I console myself by recalling that sometimes it’s not so good to re-visit your childhood. I made the mistake of looking at H.R. Pufnstuf on You Tube as an adult and was as traumatized as I should’ve been seeing it as a kid. All I could think was, #1 – I must’ve had an extremely active imagination as a child, and #2 - Yes, every adult in the 70’s really was on drugs. My childhood memory of Pufnstuf exceeded its reality, which I'm sure would also be true of meeting the Brady kids all grown up.

            I mean, if I could’ve gone to their reunion, I suppose I would’ve had to call them by their real names, which would be a real bummer. And then I’d be disappointed if Peter’s voice had finished changing and Greg didn’t make a move on me. Already it was disconcerting that Cindy decided to do the reunion trip sans pigtails, although I believe she still has her lisp, which would be a little bit of a consolation. But without Jan at the reunion messing everything up and Marcia stealing the spotlight, I would surely be brought into the fold as a Brady sister. Heck, I’d take a football to the nose if I had to.

            Perhaps I should’ve traveled to that amusement park in Mason, Ohio to cross Being a Brady Kid off of my bucket list. Who knows, I could’ve had my very own Jerry McGuire moment: As I approached in my clogs and flashed the peace sign, we could’ve exchanged some 70’s lingo, which would’ve ended with the Brady kids saying, “Korina, you complete us.”

            And I would’ve replied, “You had me at ‘far out’.”