Bachelor
in Paradise! How have I never seen this show before? I've been watching it this
season because I'm single now and when I go out, it’s only to buy cat food and
bird seed, so my evenings are relatively free for new TV shows.
The
show’s premise is this: Some decent looking twenty-somethings from past seasons
of The Bachelor/Bachelorette who learned zero relationship lessons on those
shows get drunk daily on a Mexican beach together. Every day or two a new
person joins them so there is never an even ratio of men to women. If the new guy
or girl is cuter than the guy or girl they just spent the day before with, they
are suddenly in a new relationship. It's like the whole of your twenties dating
life condensed into three weeks. I have to say, being 50 never felt so good.
Of
course, this being a Bachelor franchise, there are rose ceremonies hosted by
Chris Harrison. This is where paradise turns into hell for the ones who haven’t
made a “connection” (i.e., they’re not as good looking as the person who just arrived). They are publicly told that no one wants them, and they are forced
to leave Mexico immediately. You have to wonder how many women’s nightmares
Chris Harrison shows up in.
The
ones who are lucky enough to have found their soulmate based on the sheer fact
that filming is coming to an end, get the delight of spending their last night
in the fantasy suite. This is the show’s way of announcing that the couples will
be having sex, which adds to the humiliation of the ones who get broken up with
the next day. Because the final day is when they either break up or they get engaged. Because that's what the natural
next step is, right? Nineteen days of making out on the beach and then a
proposal or else we’re done. As one of the women put it, “If we don’t get
engaged, we’re probably not going to make it.” Huh?
The
epiphanies continued the morning after the fantasy suite. One of the guys
decided after getting matching
tattoos of their combined names that maybe they should think things through a
bit more. One woman said, “It was great having breakfast in bed together and
finally being a normal couple.” Breakfast in bed is not a normal couple
activity. Eating dry cereal for breakfast because the last of the milk is
souring in his cereal bowl from the night before is more like it.
Nonetheless,
with Neil Lane handing out free diamond rings, three of the six couples got
engaged. With such a solid foundation, I am certain they will make it to the
alter and live happily ever after. The update confirmed it. After two whole
months, all three were still going strong. As one of the guys said before he
proposed, “I thought I knew what true love was in the past. But I didn’t. This
is true love.” It’s kind of like what
I say every time I start a new diet. “I thought the ones in the past would work
out. But they didn’t. This one’s for real.”
There
was one guy who just couldn’t commit to the woman who declared her love for
him. He had to break it off because he feels “too damaged to love anyone.” So
what happened to him? They announced that he’s going to be the next Bachelor,
of course! Why break just one woman’s heart when 28 more have signed up?
No comments:
Post a Comment