How Do You Scream Midlife Crisis?

For future reference: t-shirt, not tattoo

Having a midlife crisis is so cliché that I used to think it wasn’t true except for balding men with small penises and red sports cars. Then I hit my 40’s and found out that men don’t have a lock on the midlife crisis. In fact, women seem to be hit just as hard as middle age creeps in. I know several women who have uprooted their entire lives because of it. If you’re not certain if you’re having one, take this simple test:

            Are you over the age of 40?

If you answered yes, you’re about to face your midlife crisis. If you’re still unsure or simply unwilling to admit it, the following are good indicators:

• You’ve dyed your hair blonde or red for the first time.
• You sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of your lungs alone in your car.
•  Going to a Bikram Yoga class was your idea.
• You consider the chair ‘yours’ in the Self Help section of the Barnes & Noble.
• You’ve snuck to the theater to see Magic Mike more than once.

Any of this sound familiar? Hey, it happens to the best of us. And who can blame you? Hitting the possible halfway mark of your life is pretty affecting, for sure. You can’t help but take stock of where you are and compare it to where you thought you’d be. Even if you’re happy with how far you’ve come, there may be this renewed sense of urgency to do things you haven’t tried. After all, the declining years seem to be all that’s ahead of us.

Maybe that explains why so many of us revert to our youth. We’re going to fight that decline no matter what. So you’d think we’d take up running or slather on more SPF to help the effort. But no, going back to our youth in midlife crisis mode means denying our age and making the same mistakes we made back then. It means leaving all our years of life experience behind and choosing indulgent behaviors for immediate gratification. Everything we tell our children not to do. Over the years, more responsibilities have crept in to our lives, leaving less room for the carefree fun we’d still like to have. And we should remember to have fun! We deserve it! But not at the expense of the women we’ve grown into. Therefore, it might behoove us to remember some basic childhood rules that can also be put to good use during a midlife crisis. Let’s review:

            Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Even, or especially, if you think you won’t get caught. It’s called having integrity and I’ve learned that it’s the most important character trait a person can have.

            Don’t do drugs. Except caffeine. I don’t care what your health teacher said, that’s a necessary one.

            Don’t get a tattoo. I’m not talking about the ones you might get in memory of a lost loved one or because of a military bond. I’m talking about the skull tattoo you think will look AWESOME during that daiquiri-filled girls’ weekend…only to realize the next day that you aren’t planning a second career as a pirate. On the positive side, your 10-year-old son and his friends will think you’re way cool (but they’ll be the only ones). And if you're considering one while sober, dispense with the decision between a butterfly, a heart, or a fairy. Just pick a nice font and have them ink Midlife Crisis on you, because tattooing Tinkerbell on your ankle at the age of 45 screams the same thing.

            Act your age. No one wants to see an 8-year-old throw a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old. And no one wants to see his middle-aged mom pick him up from school in a midriff shirt like a college student. Muffin top or not, it’s a bad idea. And a hangover should be a Bradley Cooper movie, not your regular weekend Facebook post. I'm sure we'd all like to be positive role models for our kids, not models of mistakes they should avoid.

            Play nice. The older we get, the more baggage we have, the more we might want someone to throw those bags at. But the common denominator in your life is you, so it’s time we stop blaming others. Take responsibility and try not to be bitter. Besides, the bridge you burn today could be the barista at your favorite Starbucks tomorrow. 

Reminding ourselves of our basic tenets might help us better navigate this rough patch. We should strive to be role models for the younger generation, rather than a Botoxed version of them. I would hope at our age, we have gained some perspective and confidence and grace along with some saggy body parts. That doesn't mean we can't explore what makes us happy, but I think there's a more productive way to do it. Take time for some introspection. Need more time with friends? More time alone? More time outdoors? Maybe those bald guys are onto something; buy an overpriced sports car! And for heaven sakes, put down Fifty Shades of Grey and take a field trip with hubby to the adult store! And then let's start to be grateful for what we have and enjoy where we are in life. Just remember, this too shall pass; nothing lasts forever. Well, except for that pirate tattoo.